Humanizing online dating through mindful swiping
Can dating apps be used mindfully?
We can barely think about dating without thinking of dating apps anymore. Our increasingly virtualized world—accelerated by pandemic lockdowns—has paved the way for the prevalence of online dating, which has now become the most popular way couples meet in the United States.
As a dating coach and someone who has found her husband online (after several very interesting years of serial dating!), I see dating apps as a gift. Their technology enables us to connect with geographically diverse folks, with whom we would not cross paths otherwise in our regular routines or social circles. They also provide us with an unparalleled window into our vast, fascinating, multicultural world.
On the flipside, of course, online dating has earned a well-deserved bad rap in recent years. The algorithms were not designed with our wellbeing in mind — they have the uncanny ability to throw us into swirls of negativity. Using those apps—most of which gamify dating to make it resemble “hot or not”—can make us feel as though we are products rather than complex individuals, and lead us to regularly question our own value.
That’s why many people see online dating as a process that is soul-sucking and dehumanizing. In fact, several of my coaching clients suffer from dating app fatigue. They report getting depressed, insecure, cynical, bored, even angry when using the apps.
Let’s face it: there’s nothing inherently enchanting about swiping through hundreds of bathroom selfies, pixelated photos of strangers in sunglasses, awkward group shots, and/or profiles of attractive people who won’t like or write us back.
The trouble is, dating is not a game; our hearts and life narratives are on the line.
So, is there a way to bring more joy and humanity into dating in our increasingly online world?
On the one hand, I always encourage daters to “diversify their portfolio” beyond online dating and look for opportunities to meet like-minded folks in other contexts, such as social events, networking organizations, classes, festivals, and meetups. These activities are both vitalizing and likely to help us attract a compatible partner based on common interests and engagement in an activity that makes us shine.
However, eliminating online dating altogether can result in missed opportunities — both to meet a great partner, and to develop our relational skills. In spite of all their flaws, there are powerful ways to humanize dating apps, use them for our own good, as well as the common good!
Enter Mindful Swiping.
What is Mindful Swiping?
Mindful Swiping is a way to use online dating as a mindfulness practice—one that helps us cultivate love, awareness, presence, equanimity, and genuine care for ourselves and others while we look for romantic connection.
It’s not hard to do. Here’s how:
1. Ritualize and apply intention to your use of the apps.
Remember that your first responsibility and commitment is to yourself and your own wellbeing. Stop swiping “mindlessly” (dopamine-seeking, addiction-like, or angry swiping)—i.e., no more swiping through profiles while in line at the grocery store or while sitting on the toilet.
Instead, create a ritual time and space around your use of the apps. You might want to designate a special spot in your home that makes you feel relaxed, light some candles, listen to some music, and tune into your heart space. Breathe deeply. Connect with your intentions to share your love.
And put a timer for the amount of time you’ll spend; I recommend no more than 15-20 minutes per day. Also, turn off notifications so you don’t get distracted by the apps throughout the day.
Create a compassionate space within and around you for whatever emotions come up, so that they can be seen, welcomed, and loved. Having at least one friend, coach, or therapist to share your dating journey with is also key in counteracting any sense of isolation that might come up from using dating apps.
2. Creating an authentic & empowered profile
Create a profile that truly honors you as you date online. Use the process of profile creation as an act of self-expression. Have a friend or photographer take beautiful pictures of you, and practice genuine self-expression when composing the profile text.
Photos: Pick photos (and/or voicenotes & videos, if the app supports it!) that FEEL like you! Tell a visual story — portray yourself in the breadth and range of who you are. Also, check in with yourself: what emotional content are you conveying in your photos?
Written prompts: Communicate unique contrasts about you. You are like a fine wine: not only fruity, and not only tannic, not only velvety. A fine wine is ALL those things at once. Also, be relational. Perhaps add a question in your profile, or an invitation to ask you out on a date!
3. Practice discernment while swiping
When swiping, use your rational mind AND embodied intuition. Read between the lines of their profile. What types of emotions, character, and values are they conveying? Do these align with yours? Observe yourself and why you tend to swipe right or left. Remember what it is you’re looking for.
4. Practice loving-kindness.
Connect with the fact that there is a three-dimensional human on the other side of the app. Here is a soul, a heart, a body that’s longing to be loved, with their unique path, traumas, fears, history, and social conditioning. No one is “just a photo”; we are all thirsty for connection, belonging, and respect.
Realize/Embrace that online dating is a wonderful opportunity to practice loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is a Buddhist meditation focused on sending love to strangers. Its practitioners aim to cultivate inner peace, while also building a better society. You can practice it with folks you encounter online by sending the following thought to each one of them, no matter if they initially disgust or attract you: “Just as I wish to, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live with ease and happiness.” Feel into the truth of these words, and send genuine goodwill to that person. Creating kindness out of a difficult situation is one of the most powerful actions we can take to create a better world and a better self.
***
In sum, Mindful Swiping provides us with an opportunity to become more aligned and authentic while calling in special someone(s) to come into our lives. Remember that cultivating your intentions, aligning your heart and your actions, and doing the footwork of looking for love will pay off, no matter what the immediate outcome is (or isn’t).
Mindful Swiping is all about honoring our own humanity and that of others, even in a context that typically lends itself to dehumanization. Practicing being kind and intentional in spite of the negative emotions we might feel is a mighty way to grow our own strength, resilience, and to flip the dynamics of online dating from feeling powerless to cultivating goodness inside and out.
