Is your ego in charge of your dating life?
Nowhere does our ego become more activated than in dating & relationships. Dating from the heart (rather than from your ego) is a practice that can impact every part of our lives!
By “ego”, I’m talking about the masks we wear in social settings to keep us inside our emotional comfort zones and shield us from vulnerability.
The ego typically creates all kinds of narratives (shame, judgment, blame, comparison, etc.) that block us from experiencing deep aliveness & intimacy.
We learn to wear those masks from a young age to protect ourselves from unsafe people and situations—but in the process, we lose our authentic selves, and therefore our ability to relate to others as profoundly and genuinely as we could.
The ego’s job is to protect us, but it creates suffocating loneliness in order to do this.
Our mission, as mindful daters, is to cultivate awareness and to use the ego’s manifestations as opportunities to choose realness, courage, and deep connection.
First, let’s get clear on what messages come from ego vs. the heart:
MESSAGES FROM THE EGO
You can discern ego-driven scripts as fear-driven rather than love-driven:
You’re not good enough to attract the partner you want
You’ll never find true love
There’s nobody “good” left out there
All men/women/[insert anger target group here] are assholes
If someone is less attractive than you, they have no business rejecting you
You’re too old/fat/awkward/broken/etc. to date
Other people have it easier than you in life & love; it’s not fair!
You must outdo the competition to find love
MESSAGES FROM THE HEART
Messages from the heart are constructive & caring towards you AND others. You can choose to cultivate them actively to create a rich & fulfilling relational life!
The heart might say these things:
I want to create great experiences for my date no matter what the outcome is
Every person is a complex and interesting human being, worthy of curiosity and care
I have amazing gifts to offer to everyone I meet
Dating is part of an ecosystem of relationships; therefore I care about each part of the process
I am lovable
Everyone deserves love
Having clear boundaries is an act of kindness, not rejection
THE PRACTICE
You can use dating & relationships as a powerful practice for taking the ego out of the driver’s seat of your life, and put your heart at the wheel instead. The following principles apply to personal growth in general, but here is how they specifically apply to dating:
First step: Awareness
Observe the thoughts you have around dating and relationships. How do you feel when swiping on an app? When messaging someone who might turn into a date, or even a partner? When making love? What scripts and messages run through your mind? Investigate what point(s) of pain in you the negative, belittling, victim-like, or blameful statements are coming from. Put on your scientist cap and be a hawk to yourself.
Second step: Replacement
When you catch ego-based messages (negative) going through your mind, try supplementing them with heart-based (positive, constructive) statements. Ask your heart for its input using the question, “What would compassion say?”; “What would LOVE say?”; or “What would wisdom say?” Write down these affirmations and keep them handy/visible in your space. Repetition is how we cultivate our positive voice until it grows and becomes bigger than the negative voice.
Third step: Emotional release
Once you have reframed a situation, you will still need to release residual negative emotion. Running, kicking, singing, taking a bath, talking to your coach or friends, drawing, writing, taking a bike ride… These are all possible ways to let go of emotional tension when we are feeling scared, angry, sad, or powerless. Find your favorite outlets.
Everything you feel is valid and there for a reason; but negative emotions will hurt you if they stay trapped in the body. Emotional release is an essential part of personal emancipation and making room for deeper, more authentic, more intimate relationships.
When we take our ego out of the driver’s seat of our love lives, and replace it with love & authenticity, we witness our entire lives changing, and all of our relationships improving.
Let me know how this practice works for you! :)
Much love,
Marie xo
